you are remembered.

My dad sobbed in the room where my grandma used to sleep in, again.

The room where the bed is now occupied occasionally by my brother and my dad.

Dad happened to took the side where grandma used to lay so peacefully on, in slumber.

He talked to me yesterday about the things he dreamt about grandma. How he felt that the dream is to tell him grandma is a converted buddhist in her world and that she wishes to get her remains cremated when it was time.

Time in the sense that the cemeteries are needed to be cleared. She chose to be buried 6 feet under because she “don’t wish to feel the pain” from the cremation. Old people believe that they can still feel pain even after their soul left their body; or something like that.

I’m not very good with words. There are times I wish I could comfort someone or say something to release the tension in the atmosphere, but words just don’t come out at all. Sometimes I know what to say, but I only managed to mumble in my head. Worst scenarios would be with the BF. Times when I am just to tired to argue or fight back, I will just keep my opinions to myself. After sometime, the outcome can be so tiresome. Happened during work too.

Grandma’s 49th day was heart-wrenching. Almost everyone who could make it, made it. My aunts teared and my dad sobbed. Not use to this atmosphere, especially seeing my dad being so depressed. I was always the one dropping tears and crying out loud in front of him. It is no wonder he chose to hide in the room, reminiscing about grandma by himself.

My cousin mentioned she dreamt about uncle, who (in the dream) was carrying 2 packets of coffee and returning home happily, like someone else will be joining him at his place. Which was very true, because grandma was “brought” to his place. The mother and son’s altar (is this the correct word?) were placed side by side with the rest of my ancestors. I haven’t been dreaming of them lately. I think I’ve never dreamt of my uncle before.

Why am I blogging all these here? Because I have no idea who to tell. I have enough arguments with BF that I just do not wish to tell him all these personal stuff. I’m sure he will understand if I were to tell him but will I get the kind of comfort I want from him? Maybe all I want is someone to “listen” to what I feel about the deaths of my uncle and grandma and no opinions given but BF could take it wrongly and thought I’ll like some opinions with it. It is just so hard to communicate to another person for me. Most of the time, it can be so tiring to even want to get your point across.

I am too introverted to speak.

Damn.

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4 thoughts on “you are remembered.

  1. aiyo.. *pats lex.. at least you’ve got many of us caring for u.. even a BF doesnt necessarily understands u e most. there’s where friends come in.. though i may be a real sotong, but at least i can lend u my ears~ no string attached! we will continue to be gd frens for as long as we can!
    muacks~ try not to think so much wor..

  2. Girl, I wanna say thanks for being there at my side when my dad passed away.. Though sometimes, we do also think of my dad as he left quite young at 65, ah mah was better, 85.. see??

    Now, I will be at your side.. brace up the courage and talk to your dad.. Ah mah had gone to the place (maybe with my dad). no need to be sad.. Now, to do what are supposed to do.. Have more gatherings for dinner.. Let your dad know that we are a family.. anything, he can call us for a talk.. Ok?

    Like, have another holiday together??? πŸ™‚ Up to genting again.. hahaha.. and get ourselves lost in the clouds..

  3. hee.. glad it’s of some use to u keke.. well, hope e event thingy can work out then u can fire ur boss liao. then the other problem will soon become none.. take care ya =D

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