unreachable

for the next 24hours or so.

phone went to get fixed.

school is… tiring.

especially with the type of people im to mingle with.

especially with the amount of work i have to start doing soon.

especially the travelling time.

especially when work is starting soon.

nothing much to update about school. it’s like any other school days – meet new people, school work, date dues…etc

oh did i mention, there are multi racial bimbos in my class?

did i also mention it’s damn typical high school re-enactment?

did i also mention that it’s damn dreadful to be among one of the “older” people in class?

heng ah… i cut hair look younger orledi. or else they’ll prolly call me auntie or smthing.

especially when they behave like 15year old boys.

especially when the girls are damn drama-mama.

especially when most of them are here to flaunt their assets, tattoos, brandeds, new nails, new haircolour…etc…etc..etc

Dreadful!

UPDATED

Double dreadful-ness.

Dad and gf are bugging me to help out with their work again.

I’m to do all those contract shit again.

And Dad just sat down beside me.

INSTANTLY i know what he wants me to do.

Before he can ask anything, I gave him my answer.

NO! Don’t ask me go back there and WORK!”

But you don’t have to travel all the way down…”

NO!”

Okay,  I know I sound like a fucking spoilt brat, but seriously speaking, he of all people should know better.

I wanted to tell him all my reasons for not wanting to go back THERE and work but nothing comes out of my mouth except the look of disgust.

Utter. Disgust.

I wanted to tell him how much I dread working for Doris.

I wanted to tell him how much it meant to me, to be able to go back to school.

I wanted to tell him how utterly tired I am, handling the problems he’s throwing into my face.

I wanted to tell him how mentally tired I am already.

I wanted to tell him so much…

But I could only say “No”.

I could only reveal the disgust with my expression.

I swear, I really wanted to tell him.

But nothing comes out.

Nothing.

I feel so trapped.

I feel so lost.

So what now? After loaning me the money to finish my studies, now you’re asking me to go back THERE and work?

I feel so fucking lost right now that I do not know what can be done.

I need guidance.

But definitely not such guidance from them.

I feel like screaming. But I have no voice.

I feel like crying. But tears wouldn’t come out.

I feel like giving up. But I’ve only started.

I feel so trapped, lost, confused, angry, upset.

I feel so…

numb.

I don’t know what to think or feel anymore. Everything seems so unreal.

Nothing seems solid and focused anymore.

I feel so…

fucked.

Let me live my own life, please?

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4 thoughts on “unreachable

  1. 9: i know it’s selfish of me to do that but it’s really unfair to me. my brother gets to do what he wants (quitting secondary school) and i am to obey whatever they want me to do. I’m quite sick of such treatment…

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